Of Memories and Stuttered Breaths
by CastleObsessed47
Summary: Prompt: "Kate has to wear dress blues again for some police-related event, and when she steps out of the bathroom and Castle sees her, he has a PTSD attack of his own. Established couple."


_Prompt: "Kate has to wear dress blues again for some police-related event, and when she steps out of the bathroom and Castle sees her, he has a PTSD attack of his own. Established couple. "_

* * *

It's the first time since Captain Montgomery's funeral that she's put on her uniform. After the shooting, she'd had to get a new one, the blood completely ruining her old blues.

Kate's fingers stuttered momentarily over the buttons, glancing in the mirror at the healed scar between her breasts. It's been two years since the shooting, the wound long healed, but the emotional toll from that day will always be a part of her.

Sighing softly, she finished dressing, shaking the thoughts from her head. A lot has happened since the last time she put the uniform on. Things have changed for the better. The last time Kate wore the uniform she was mourning the loss of her Captain, dealing with her mother's case; struggling to stay afloat. Now, as she puts on the uniform, it isn't to attend a funeral, it's to celebrate life and heroism. Officers and detectives were being honored for their bravery and duty in a special ceremony; Beckett, Esposito, and Ryan among them.

A knock at the bathroom door interrupted her thoughts.

"Kate?" Castle called out.

"Almost ready, babe. Just give me a minute."

"No rush. We've got plenty of time yet. Mother and Alexis are in the living room whenever you're done." He replied.

"My dad?" She questioned as she quickly tied her hair back and into a bun, pushing the loose strands behind her ears.

"Got here a couple of minutes ago. Lanie texted, said she and the boys were going to meet us there." Rick replied.

"Sounds good. Did you find the tie I laid out on the chair?"

"Yup. Had to have Alexis help me put it on though." He chuckled.

Opening the door, Kate exited the bathroom with a grin. "Too excited, couldn't even tie your own tie, huh?" She teased.

Instead of the retort Beckett expected, she was met with silence. Castle stared at her with a blank look on his face, his gaze centered on her chest.

"Rick?" she called out softly, her worried eyes trained on him.

Instead of responding, Castle sucked in a stuttering breath, stumbling backwards and tripping over clothing lying on the floor. He fell to the ground with an unceremonious thump, his eyes quickly filling with tears.

Beckett rushed forward, falling to her knees before him, cradling his cheeks in both palms.

"Rick, what's wrong?" She asked with a tremor in her voice.

"Kate." He sobbed, staring at her, his eyes unfocused. Reaching a trembling hand up, Castle placed it on her chest, over the scar of her wound. "No, no, please."

Understanding filled her immediately. In front of her, the signs were clear. He was having a PTSD episode.

Castle's breathing became choking gasps as he struggled to gather in the air his lungs so desperately needed.

"Babe. Look at me." She said, trying to get his attention. The faraway look in his eyes remained, the gaze full of anguish directed at her chest. "It's okay, I'm okay."

Shaking his head vigorously, the tears rolled down his cheeks in a steady stream. "Please don't leave me Kate, please. I need you. I love you. Please." Castle choked out between his sobs.

Trying to move into his field of vision, Kate grasped her hands firmly on his cheeks. His entire body was shaking, wracked with the trembles of his grief.

"Rick. Look at me." She demanded with a quiet but stern voice.

Castle's eyes flickered up to meet her, the agony in them breaking her heart.

"I'm okay. I'm okay." She murmured. "You're having a panic attack. We're not at the cemetery, we're in our bedroom remember?"

His tear-filled eyes stared at her with confusion while gasping breaths rattled his lungs. "I—I don't…Kate. I can't—"

With desperate hands, he attempted to loosen the tie around his neck, feeling as if it was choking him.

"Deep breaths, baby." She said, reaching for his tie and loosening it quickly. "In and out. Can you follow me?" She asked, taking in a breath before slowly releasing it.

He shook his head, breaking eye contact as a loud sob emanated from him. The gut wrenching noise seemed to echo throughout the room, splitting her heart in two.

"Baby, please." She cried out softly as the painful sobs wracked his body. If he didn't stop soon she was afraid he'd pass out. "It's okay. It's _okay._ " Kate stressed.

Not knowing what else to do, she leaned her forehead against his, as if trying to give him some of her strength. Grabbing one of his hands, Kate placed it on her side, over her expanding lungs. "Feel that? That's me breathing. In and out."

Covering his other hand currently pressed against her chest, she kissed his temple. "Feel that too, babe?" She murmured. "My heart's beating. I'm okay. I'm here and I'm alive."

Castle gulped in a large breath, his eyes finally starting to clear.

Tears continued to stream down his face as he tried to control his breathing. Leaning back, his eyes connected with hers. The look he gave her nearly broke her heart.

"Kate." He sobbed, lurching forward into her body.

Beckett could tell it was relief, that seemed to pour off him in waves. Relief that she was okay. Relief that she was here, alive and with him.

A protective hand came up to the back of his head, her fingers tangling into his hair as he buried his face in her neck.

"I'm here. I'm here, baby. It's okay." Kate murmured, over and over.

Castle's cries continued, her body curling protectively around him, as if to shelter him from the world. It seemed like an eternity before his breathing finally steadied out. Even as the warm puffs of his breath against her neck returned to normal, Kate continued to whisper reassurances into his ear.

A few minutes later, Castle pulled back, looking at her with red rimmed eyes.

"I'm sorry." He whispered roughly, clearing his throat. "I just…when I saw you, my mind went right back to the cemetery…all I could see was you bleeding out on the grass in front of me."

Shaking her head, Kate leaned in to kiss him softly. "Shh, it's okay. You don't need to apologize, babe."

"I love you, so much Kate." He mumbled against her lips. "Never forget that, okay?"

"No, never." She replied right away, kissing him fiercely. "Always."

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, the last of the tears drying on their faces.

Kate pulled back slowly, untangling herself from their embrace.

"Just give me a minute, babe. I'm going to go tell them we're not going, and then I'll be right back."

Castle looked up, startled, his hand reaching forward to grasp hers.

"What? No. What do you mean?" He stuttered.

"Rick, we don't have to go. It's okay. We'll just stay home—"

"Kate, no, what are you talking about? You're being honored at the ceremony, you can't miss it." He argued.

"I don't care. All that matters is you right now, not the ceremony."

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I'm okay, I want to go. You deserve this so much Kate."

Staring at him, she bit her lip in indecision. "Are you sure? Rick, it won't upset me if we don't go—"

"I'm positive." He interrupted softly.

Nodding, Kate leaned in to give him a gentle kiss, her hand caressing his cheek.

"Okay. Let's go then."

Standing up together, Castle grabbed her waist, gently pulling her into him. "I'm so proud of you, Kate. No one deserves this award today more than you."

A soft smile graced her lips as she leaned into his body, burying her face into his neck. Kate took a deep breath, feeling so lucky to have Castle in her life.

"Thank you, babe." She replied softly, standing on her toes to give him a gentle kiss.

Running her fingers through the baby soft hairs at the back of his neck, Kate looked at him, feeling as though she'd burst any moment from the amount of adoration she felt towards this man.

"I love you." She whispered, a soft smile adorning her face.

"Love you too. Always." He murmured, leaning into her body.

They were each other's support system. Each other's solid ground. Partners.

Their life was far from easy, but one thing was clear: they'd always have each other.


End file.
